ARCHIVE - JUNE 2011
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SCOTT PARKER'S LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION Nick, 08/06/11
Today we join Kirstie and Phil who are trying to help Scott up-size from his current East London abode. Scott has just got too big for the property. He is looking in the direction of a more plush and upmarket location where his slick comb over and polished black boots will be accepted. He harbours complaints of rowdy neighbours, Robert who is always making a clumsy racket dropping things and Demba who holds weekly fight club meets with autograph hunters. Despite the new Landlord 'Big Sam' coming in and promising to renovate the property within the year, Scott is sure he can live in luxury elsewhere.
The 30 year old father of West Ham fan's dreams is looking for somewhere bigger with a trophy cabinet for silverware, not just for the Chairman's extensive stash of soft porn. Scott's ideal move would be to a property that came with two pacey wingers, a potent striker and a strong holding midfielder as part of the deal. Preferably, Scott wants a place that will match up to the million-dollar pads of Frank Lampard and the young Jack Wilshere in order to keep him firmly in the sights of Mr Capello.
So what options have Kirstie and Phil come up with for our intrepid Scotty? Well he did say he wanted to up-size so first, and not too far to move, is an upcoming place in North London. The Tottenham property offers Scott an almost guaranteed place, especially if Luca Modric decides to relocate to Manchester. Scott will love the fact that it comes with a Bale, a Lennon, and even a rare Pavlyuchenko which looks like an increasingly exciting prospect for any resident central midfielder. However, perhaps this is not a big enough step up for Scott. The trophy cabinet at Tottenham is still looking bare and the property's best asset, Champions League football, was recently suspiciously burgled by some thieves from Manchester along with 'slimming tablets' from the bathroom cupboard.
Just around the corner from the Tottenham property is another property which may appeal to Scott as a more upmarket option. Unlike the Tottenham property, Arsenal just about managed to hold on to their wonderful Champions League feature despite losing their valuable third place to the Manchester robbers. The extravagant flair of the Arsenal façade may well attract the style of Scott. However, Arsenal are not set on accepting Scott as openly as their North London neighbours. They may not have room for him with the current resident in the central midfield playmaking role, Jack Wilshire, proving to be quite a prodigy. Arsene Wenger, a big time developer, prefers a younger resident, a first-time buyer for his Arsenal. At the age of 30, Scott may not suit the young and yuppy vibes of this location.
Slightly further afield Scott has the exciting of option of a move to Liverpool. Many have moved to Liverpool in recent months with the hope of cleaning out the cobwebs from the once full trophy cabinet. If Scott took up the move he would expect flair from the settled Kuyt and Suarez to keep impressing. However, despite being seen as an up-size from his current East London location, Scott is unlikely to see any immediate rewards from a move to Liverpool. It may also be the case for Scott that the role of midfield dynamo has been sold (at a typically inflated price) to young Jordan Henderson from the North-East. If honestly considering this option, Scott would need to carry out a proper survey. The Liverpool property is said to have a persistent leak at the back caused by a rare condition believed to have originated from Greece called 'Kyrgiakos.' Crime rate is also high in the area with residents constantly warned never to walk alone.
As the search drags on unnecessarily, like any other episode of this programme, the fact is Kirstie and Phil could take Scott to any location of a Premier League club and he would fit in. Though he may want to up-size and fill his trophy cabinet, his form when he was at Chelsea compared with his form at West Ham and Charlton suggest he might be better suited with a 'semi by the sea' in Swansea rather than a mansion to rival Beckingham Palace. If he did choose one of these options the property would need a lot of work doing to it. Scott could reap the rewards and be the top resident of the less glamorous locations of Stoke and Bolton or even Norwich. Surely this would suit him more than a place on a bench in North London?
Scott's horizons should not be restricted to England however. Kirstie and Phil recommended he join the vast ex-pat community on the continent. I don’t think they really believed Gibraltar FC would be the best for his game but look at the rejuvenated return of Jermaine Pennant after his acquisition of a villa in Zaragoza. Lacking in a history of prison tags, Scott Parker would be able to shoot far higher than Pennant too and he shouldn’t rule out the delights of the Munich, Milan or Marseille property markets.
So where will Scott choose to relocate? We will keep you updated on where he chooses as this 30 year old a long way of receding into a retirement home.
The 30 year old father of West Ham fan's dreams is looking for somewhere bigger with a trophy cabinet for silverware, not just for the Chairman's extensive stash of soft porn. Scott's ideal move would be to a property that came with two pacey wingers, a potent striker and a strong holding midfielder as part of the deal. Preferably, Scott wants a place that will match up to the million-dollar pads of Frank Lampard and the young Jack Wilshere in order to keep him firmly in the sights of Mr Capello.
So what options have Kirstie and Phil come up with for our intrepid Scotty? Well he did say he wanted to up-size so first, and not too far to move, is an upcoming place in North London. The Tottenham property offers Scott an almost guaranteed place, especially if Luca Modric decides to relocate to Manchester. Scott will love the fact that it comes with a Bale, a Lennon, and even a rare Pavlyuchenko which looks like an increasingly exciting prospect for any resident central midfielder. However, perhaps this is not a big enough step up for Scott. The trophy cabinet at Tottenham is still looking bare and the property's best asset, Champions League football, was recently suspiciously burgled by some thieves from Manchester along with 'slimming tablets' from the bathroom cupboard.
Just around the corner from the Tottenham property is another property which may appeal to Scott as a more upmarket option. Unlike the Tottenham property, Arsenal just about managed to hold on to their wonderful Champions League feature despite losing their valuable third place to the Manchester robbers. The extravagant flair of the Arsenal façade may well attract the style of Scott. However, Arsenal are not set on accepting Scott as openly as their North London neighbours. They may not have room for him with the current resident in the central midfield playmaking role, Jack Wilshire, proving to be quite a prodigy. Arsene Wenger, a big time developer, prefers a younger resident, a first-time buyer for his Arsenal. At the age of 30, Scott may not suit the young and yuppy vibes of this location.
Slightly further afield Scott has the exciting of option of a move to Liverpool. Many have moved to Liverpool in recent months with the hope of cleaning out the cobwebs from the once full trophy cabinet. If Scott took up the move he would expect flair from the settled Kuyt and Suarez to keep impressing. However, despite being seen as an up-size from his current East London location, Scott is unlikely to see any immediate rewards from a move to Liverpool. It may also be the case for Scott that the role of midfield dynamo has been sold (at a typically inflated price) to young Jordan Henderson from the North-East. If honestly considering this option, Scott would need to carry out a proper survey. The Liverpool property is said to have a persistent leak at the back caused by a rare condition believed to have originated from Greece called 'Kyrgiakos.' Crime rate is also high in the area with residents constantly warned never to walk alone.
As the search drags on unnecessarily, like any other episode of this programme, the fact is Kirstie and Phil could take Scott to any location of a Premier League club and he would fit in. Though he may want to up-size and fill his trophy cabinet, his form when he was at Chelsea compared with his form at West Ham and Charlton suggest he might be better suited with a 'semi by the sea' in Swansea rather than a mansion to rival Beckingham Palace. If he did choose one of these options the property would need a lot of work doing to it. Scott could reap the rewards and be the top resident of the less glamorous locations of Stoke and Bolton or even Norwich. Surely this would suit him more than a place on a bench in North London?
Scott's horizons should not be restricted to England however. Kirstie and Phil recommended he join the vast ex-pat community on the continent. I don’t think they really believed Gibraltar FC would be the best for his game but look at the rejuvenated return of Jermaine Pennant after his acquisition of a villa in Zaragoza. Lacking in a history of prison tags, Scott Parker would be able to shoot far higher than Pennant too and he shouldn’t rule out the delights of the Munich, Milan or Marseille property markets.
So where will Scott choose to relocate? We will keep you updated on where he chooses as this 30 year old a long way of receding into a retirement home.
TWITTER: BUILDING BRIDGES BETWEEN FANS AND PLAYERS Greg, 19/06/11
This season has seen the rise of a new #movement – the Tweeting footballer. The social network site has taken off in recent years, and is now used by companies, celebrities and us normal people as a way of letting all of our 'followers' know just what we are doing and thinking in 140 magic characters. However, players have managed to get themselves into Twitter trouble this year, by criticising referees, fans or their own clubs, revealing team news earlier than they should and posting inappropriate photographs (amongst other things). Some managers such as 'Arry Redknapp would prefer their players to stay away from such sites, but having just downloaded the official Rio Ferdinand App, it's safe to say we are not in that camp. So just what are the benefits of footballer's Tweeting? Is it good for the game or are Redknapp and Ferguson right?
In days gone by, and as recently as ten or fifteen years ago, a kid could stand outside the stadium on a match day or at the training ground through the week and wait for an autograph. If you bumped into a player on the street you could stop him and chat, or shake his hand and wish him luck for the weekend. Journalists could give the club captain a ring one evening and have a chat about preparations for the next game. Those days are gone.
Nowadays, if you wait outside the stadium you'll get moved on by security. If you wait outside the training ground you'll more than likely be mown down by a 4x4, though you won't know who is driving it as they will be hidden behind a Von Dutch hat and a tinted windscreen. A journalist will now need to schedule an interview by going through a club press officer, and even then they will often just be told which player they can speak to, rather than the other way round.
An accusation often levelled at today's all-seater, Super Sunday shiny Premier League is that the game has lost touch with the fans. Given what we've just said, it would appear that this is the case. This is where Twitter steps in.
Most football fans don't care what Jack Wilshere looks like on his holidays. Most really aren't bothered which horse Michael Owen thinks will win at Ascot. But many are. We are in an era where players are treated as Hollywood stars with minders, 24-hour security and agents who answer their phones for them. A fan is very unlikely to ever get close to his favourite player, so getting a glimpse into their lives (from their own perspective) is a rare privilege. The new generation of football fans don't know any different – Twitter is their medium of interacting with their idols.
Press conferences and interviews today can seem very vanilla, with the same old clichés coming out again and again. Twitter can relieve some of this boredom – just follow Joey Barton and you'll find out how. We usually only see two sides of a footballer – on the pitch as a player, and off it standing in front of a board of sponsors giving bland sound bites to a journalist asking repetitive questions.
Let's cut the snobbery and embrace Twitter as a way of getting to know the people behind the media savvy robots that club press officers want us to see.
In days gone by, and as recently as ten or fifteen years ago, a kid could stand outside the stadium on a match day or at the training ground through the week and wait for an autograph. If you bumped into a player on the street you could stop him and chat, or shake his hand and wish him luck for the weekend. Journalists could give the club captain a ring one evening and have a chat about preparations for the next game. Those days are gone.
Nowadays, if you wait outside the stadium you'll get moved on by security. If you wait outside the training ground you'll more than likely be mown down by a 4x4, though you won't know who is driving it as they will be hidden behind a Von Dutch hat and a tinted windscreen. A journalist will now need to schedule an interview by going through a club press officer, and even then they will often just be told which player they can speak to, rather than the other way round.
An accusation often levelled at today's all-seater, Super Sunday shiny Premier League is that the game has lost touch with the fans. Given what we've just said, it would appear that this is the case. This is where Twitter steps in.
Most football fans don't care what Jack Wilshere looks like on his holidays. Most really aren't bothered which horse Michael Owen thinks will win at Ascot. But many are. We are in an era where players are treated as Hollywood stars with minders, 24-hour security and agents who answer their phones for them. A fan is very unlikely to ever get close to his favourite player, so getting a glimpse into their lives (from their own perspective) is a rare privilege. The new generation of football fans don't know any different – Twitter is their medium of interacting with their idols.
Press conferences and interviews today can seem very vanilla, with the same old clichés coming out again and again. Twitter can relieve some of this boredom – just follow Joey Barton and you'll find out how. We usually only see two sides of a footballer – on the pitch as a player, and off it standing in front of a board of sponsors giving bland sound bites to a journalist asking repetitive questions.
Let's cut the snobbery and embrace Twitter as a way of getting to know the people behind the media savvy robots that club press officers want us to see.